Mental Illness and God's Covering
It's almost a year to the day when I planned my suicide.
I had been suffering from an undiagnosed depressive episode brought on by a change in medication. This decision to alter my medicine came from pressures of the dramatic life change COVID introduced. I was riddled with anxiety and a sense of confusion I never dealt with before. My nurse practitioner decided to increase one of my anti-depressants, and within a week I was feeling much better.
Then I wasn't.
The sudden shift of chemicals in my brain, coupled with the overwhelming sense of hopelessness that clouded my thoughts, were enough to send me into a severe downward spiral that scared me.
My soul cleaves to the dust - Psalm 119:25a
My mind and heart were a scattered mess. I walked around as if I was not in the world. The humiliation I felt and shame that gripped every beat of my heart had me searching for a way to relieve my pain. Surely I could not let my family see me like this. They deserved a better mother and wife.
I scoured the bible searching for scripture to bring me into the light. The Psalms of David did not comfort me as they once did. I felt empty while searching for a place of peace and rest. I begged and pleaded with God to take my pain away, to relieve me of the crippling depression that gripped my very soul.
I believe depression is two-fold. Chemical imbalances are real and devastating, just as the war within a soul between the spiritual realms. Satan takes special advantage of those with mental illness. He sees souls that are splayed open in desperation and loss. He creeps around planting thoughts in minds that are plagued with indecision and humiliation.
It is a battlefield of the heavenly realm and the hounds of hell.
As I cleaved to this devastation, I decided suicide was the only way out of the war raging within.I made my plans and somehow God intervened before that final hour of my life. He directed people into my path that knew me personally and lovingly stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life.
Revive me according to your word - Psalm 119:26b
As I began to heal from this psychotic episode with my faith shaky but intact, God reminded me of his protection and promises through scripture. He saw my ways and answered me (Psalm 119:26) with tender care from those around me and the guarantee that he is always with me not matter valley of death I walk through (Psalm 23:4)
Digging Deeper: What valley have you walked through with Jesus by your side?
I stumbled upon this post and comments while sitting in my car, praying that God sees me, truly sees me and rescues me. I’m currently battling crippling depression, PTSD and unable to find help with my current abusive situation. Searching for work, while still very untreated, seems so impossible and daunting. I’ve tried almost every medication, treatment, etc. It’s not a coincidence that I stumbled across this post, I know it was God and I’m still terrified, sitting in my car, knowing I too may need to live in it or be homeless soon. I know God is with us and I appreciate all of you being vulnerable and shining His light.
Two years ago, I took an emergency flight to visit my mom who was having a psychotic episode. Nothing could calm her and she described to me her full plan for suicide. She later told me that had I not intervened, she would have likely gone through with it. It was SO hard to hear. She still struggles with the fear that it will happen again. Are there particular verses that especially helped you through that time? I would love to share those with her.
June 15, 2015. That was my planned suicide date. I had become disabled, but did not have a work history, so I didn’t qualify for SSDI. I had been living on what was in my checkbook since January while waiting to hear if I was going to get SSI and Medicaid. I had a beautiful two-bedroom apartment that was great until the I wasn’t going to be able to pay the rent anymore. I had $36 left, and I knew I could not live in my car. One of my diagnoses is Major Depressive Disorder – Chronic. My faith was almost non-existent at that time. Something [God?] told me on the 14th to wait until the 30th. On the 18th, I got a call from one agency, and I heard from the other one on the 19th. The SSI was back-dated to the day I applied in December, so I received an extra large check in July. If I had gone through with my plan, I would have been dead JUST before being approved. It was the first time I ever considered suicide.
I, too, was on suicide watch on Father’s Day last year. I was surrounded by people that were hearing and seeing things that were very real to them. Being the only female was terrifying. After spending five days and nights there, I was released and sent home. I was lucky because I had I insurance. Others there that were not insured and completely lost, were released within a day. The pain and isolation that we feel as a result of different situations is very real, but so is our Heavenly Father. The Holy Spirit was with me and I know that He protected me and brought me back from the brink. God bless you and keep you.
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